Venkatesh Rao wrote on the 3 types of hardness on Twitter yesterday (link). I'm referring to the hardness related to emotional labour, with an accompanying example of the emotional labour of parents managing their kids. This is done to illustrate the 3rd type of hardness as something that is chosen.

I find that hardness very descriptive of the challenges of education, and why I feel so tired despite the relatively long period of rest. Such a hardness is unlike the difficulty of a challenging workout, that of a tedious day's of work, or even that of solving a difficult problem. Those difficulties, I find it easier to recover from. I can even welcome them to a certain extent, as I see the growth from meeting those challenges.

The other forms of hardness grow you to some extent. With a workout or tedious work, I cultivate physical and mental strength. With a challenging problem comes growth in intellectual and technical capabilities. As I write this, I am beginning to appreciate the growth in the emotional patience and resilience my work demands.

I'm curious then, how can it remain hidden for so long? There is deliberate effort needed to first acknowledge its existence as a problem, and then uncover that knot. Unpacking this issue has unveiled some fruits; the lightness of acknowledging an emotional knot, which untangles it to some extent.

Moving onward, I remain curious about how the nature of solving such problems seems so foreign compared to problems more logical (missing some strategy) or logistical (missing some resource). Perhaps it be mapped to the set of logical problems, with acknowledgement and honesty as a key step of the solution.

Honesty demands me to admit that I am dreading the restart of work, even though that I am enjoying the work I do these few days. I enjoy the autonomy of time and tasks. I enjoy the transparency of conversing with various friends and colleagues, about both our work and personal lives.

Once the year turns, I lose most of that control and have to return to being the responsible adult. Every choice made is the right one, every communication carefully considered for its effect and impact, both immediate the downstream. The freedom and lightness of play is missing from that environment, because every action and communication has perceived consequences.

Note the use of the word 'perceived'. The interaction becomes a hazardous field of cautious communications and safe actions. There is no margin of safety felt, due to the short timeline of things, the limited bandwidth to react to changes, and dearth of social capital. Expertise and social capital is what creates the margin of safety.

The perspective could very well come from the cornered emotional state that I am writing this from, and where I spent the past year in. If I could write out a recipe for creating a cornered state, it would be:

  • Every action and interaction of yours has a consequence, so tread carefully.
  • A problem can come up at any time and place, leaving you blindsided the first time it happens, and you watching every corner suspiciously after that.
  • (Mis)clarity on the key skills and competencies needed to succeed, leaving you watching your peers carefully for any signs. Social interactions and trust become a necessity.

That is probably incomplete, and will be looked at another time. Of all of the points discussed, the second is probably the most important. That reminds me of something I have said quite frequently to myself: being tossed around in the waves.

How does one start to surf?