518 words.
Spent the last couple of days on TikTok and handphone games. Even though it is the start of the school holidays, the fall into self-indulgence was never felt before. It was as if the days of obligatory showing up became a crutch to being a productive member of society.
Reflecting on the time with more autonomy, I worked on projects without prompting, being driven by sheer curiosity and pursuit of knowledge. I miss that fire of discovery. It just feels difficult to muster the drive to chase something new, other than the monthly payslip and the commitments already made to others.
On conversation with another educator, a question was brought up. “How do we motivate those with less discipline?”
“Structure.”
I’m being reminded of that, because of the removal for a temporal structure (the ordinary school day) to plot my time. Without any goals to look towards, it is easy to while away the time on mindless crap. Referring to the definition of while away, it may not even be a pleasant experience. It terrifies me to lose a life to that, and how many people do so and waste their younger years.
What I miss most is being able to effortlessly fall into pursuing an obsession, which is how certain projects and skills came into fruition. Naturally, the question that follows is. “What’s stopping you from doing that again?” Consciously, there is the knowledge that starting a new project means the allocation of scarce mental and emotional cycles until the project’s completion. It will require an upkeep until it is shipped.
Instinctively, the hunt for an obsession which is not self-indulgent and harmful is still ongoing. When we go about our more important choices, some rational thought needs to be given into their evaluation. An obsession shouldn’t have that evaluation. The only question that needs to be asked is ‘why not?’.
This sounds parallel to the idea of ‘Fuck Yes or No’. The problem is finding the ‘Fuck Yes’.
Up till now, I haven’t yet addressed the post topic. It’s something I have always been fearful of confronting, or even admitting that’s how I evaluate how things are going. There’s nothing much I know how to say about it, or attempt to reconcile.
Took a pause, and returned to finishing this up after a day spent with friends, and truly spent for the sake of fun. That pretty much countered the concern about spending time with people who I was interested in professionally or for work purposes. Not quite sure where I would like to bring this exploration too, but rather happy with what I have seen so far on this adventure.
Maybe the metric to optimise for is the available time for such adventures. It seems the most consistent way to find peace and acceptance in oneself is to ask such questions often to long-winded adventures and conversations with the self. The underlying concern is unearthed, ‘is my sense of self-worth tied to being productive?’
With confidence, I am able to say ‘not always’.