523 words.
Written on 21 June 2022.
the resistance to letting go of the edge. what’s the fear about? Is there some kind of unseen mission that the edge is for, or is it just a relentless search for a continuation of a main quest? The discovery of this focus is the next step of the introspection. It shows an orientation towards some mission or objective, and what it looks like is not obvious at the moment. Even learning about this orientation is useful, and the alternative is getting by without finding the source of the anxiety all this while.
Analogically, the resistance felt like trying to take the wheel from an overly anxious monkey.
There is an infinite loop to be cracked here. Writing the anxiety down would expose the source better, but not enough is known to define it well enough. Hence this meandering dialogue in a bid to strike gold.
Yes, it is a dialogue with you, dear reader. Even though I don’t hear your response, there is a reader in me evaluating and assessing whatever points that go on here. That is part of the focus that is unwilling to be released - the desire of evaluate everything for its actionability. To what end? That still remains undefined.
Even so, recognise that this relentless hanging on is a friend, one of the council governing whatever that goes on in your inner self. The lofty goal to be attained is the betterment of yourself, and the challenge lies in finding the path to get there. As always, the difficulty is finding out ‘where’ is ‘there’, especially when different times present varying responses.
The quest to find ‘there’ is never-ending. Even the completion of it, creates a new quest to a fresh ‘there’. Perhaps it’s time to admit the search for meaning is a hydra, endlessly spawning new heads for each one cut off.
Is this a monster meant to be slain? Or be lived with, by breaking the assumption that it needs to be conquered.
Continued on 24 June 2022.
In this open world, the choices we have are near limitless. More importantly, the number of ways we can sabotage ourselves are abundant, even if they don’t appear as such at first glance. For every choice that we don’t take the optimum choice, we would have wasted the opportunity to extract maximum value, and thus ‘fucked around’.
That desire to optimise every choice already hides some anxiety in the day-to-day. What is life if it is lived every moment in fear of not having made the right choice? Grappling with that, and the understanding that a marathon is ran one step at a time. Our life is constructed one decision at a time.
I’m satisfied having written this piece, to chip away at the nebulousness of where to go. Seeing my own writing, I see leaps in logic between points, sometimes not knowing where certain thoughts or assumptions came from. Currently seeing each idea as an island, and the goal is to both grow them as a ecosystem, and to build bridges between them.